The Pina Colada

Why you are pouring this tonight

The Pina Colada got ruined by resort bars. Somewhere between 1987 and last Tuesday we decided it was a tacky drink made from a bottle of sickly yellow mix, and we missed the point entirely. A proper Pina Colada is fresh pineapple, good coconut cream, decent rum, ice and a blender. It tastes like a holiday in a glass and it is one of the most pairable drinks in your entire summer kit.

Think char and spice. Pork ribs off the barbecue. Chilli prawns. Jerk chicken. A whole snapper with lime and coriander. The coconut richness coats the chilli, the pineapple acidity cuts the fat, the rum ties the whole thing to the charcoal. This is not a dessert drink, it is a dinner drink.

You need a blender. That is the whole trick. If you are shaking a Pina Colada with ice you are making a different drink, usually a bad one.

What you need

60 ml white rum. Havana Club 3 Year around $45 from Dan Murphy’s is the sweet spot. Bacardi works. For an upgrade, split it: 40 ml white rum plus 20 ml aged rum like Plantation 3 Stars or Appleton Estate Signature, which adds a toffee depth that stops the drink feeling sugary.
60 ml fresh pineapple, plus juice. Buy a ripe pineapple from Woolworths for about $5, cut it up, freeze half. Frozen pineapple chunks are the texture secret. Tinned pineapple in juice works in a pinch, drain it first and freeze the cubes. Bottled pineapple juice on its own is too thin.
45 ml coconut cream. This is the non-negotiable. Ayam or Kara coconut cream from the Asian aisle, not light coconut milk. For the classic texture, a splash of Coco Lopez cream of coconut (around $10 at specialty bottle shops) is the real McCoy, sweeter and thicker. If using plain coconut cream, add 10 ml of sugar syrup.
15 ml fresh lime juice. Cuts the sweetness. Skip it and the drink is cloying. Add it and suddenly it is adult.
One cup of ice. Standard cubes are fine, the blender handles the rest.
Pineapple wedge and frond to garnish. Not optional. You eat with your eyes first.

How to make it

Freeze your pineapple. Ideally overnight. Fresh chunks in a zip bag in the freezer transform the texture from watery slushie to proper creamy Pina Colada. Ten minutes will not cut it, plan ahead.
Load the blender. Pour in the rum, coconut cream, lime juice and add the frozen pineapple chunks plus a handful of ice. Do not overfill, keep it to about two thirds full or the top blade struggles.
Blend hard. Thirty to forty seconds on high. You want a thick, smooth, pale-yellow texture that holds a soft peak on a spoon. If it is too thin, add more frozen pineapple. If it is too thick, a splash of pineapple juice loosens it.
Taste and adjust. Too sweet? More lime. Not sweet enough? Half a teaspoon of sugar syrup. This is the most forgiving drink in the world.
Pour and garnish. Into a chilled hurricane or large wine glass. Pineapple wedge on the rim, a frond sticking up, and serve with a fat straw. Optional dusting of freshly grated nutmeg on top is a small flex that most people skip.

Five dinners that make this drink sing

Pork ribs with a smoky chilli glaze. Fatty, sticky, a bit hot. The coconut cream coats the chilli, the pineapple cuts the fat, the rum marries the char. One of the great pairings in summer.
Grilled snapper with charred corn salsa. The sweetness in the corn talks to the pineapple, the lime on the fish mirrors the lime in the drink, and the coconut richness handles the char.
Pork carnitas tacos. Slow-cooked pork and pineapple are a classic Mexican move. The Pina Colada is basically that combo in glass form, but with a lot more ice.
Jamaican jerk chicken with coconut rice. Obvious but obvious for a reason. Allspice, scotch bonnet, thyme, char. The drink is like a second side dish.
Grilled prawns with chilli and lime butter. Sweet prawn, butter, chilli, lime. The Pina Colada picks up every note and leaves you reaching for another prawn.

Three small variations worth knowing

The Painkiller

The British Virgin Islands answer to the Pina Colada. Use a full-bodied dark rum like Pusser’s (around $65 from Dan Murphy’s), keep the ratios similar, and grate fresh nutmeg heavily over the top. Deeper, spicier, and a genuinely different drink. Drink it with jerk chicken or goat curry.

The Chi Chi

Swap the rum for vodka. Lighter, cleaner, and lets the pineapple and coconut do more of the talking. Good choice if you have friends over who find rum too heavy. Pair with Thai green curry or a Vietnamese cold noodle salad.

The Spicy Colada

Add one or two slices of fresh red chilli to the blender. Do not go nuts, a little goes a long way. The heat cuts the sweetness and turns the drink into a serious food companion. Outstanding with prawn pad Thai or grilled chilli squid.

Bottles worth buying for this

A summer-ready Pina Colada kit is three bottles: a bottle of Havana Club 3 Year around $45, a small bottle of aged rum for upgrading (Plantation 3 Stars at around $55 or Appleton Estate Signature around $50), and a tin of Coco Lopez cream of coconut if you can track it down at a specialty bottle-o. Total outlay under $120 and you are set for the whole summer.

The blender is the real investment. Any decent household blender will do the job. If you are in the market, a Nutribullet handles a Pina Colada beautifully and lives in the cupboard, not on the bench. Around $120 at Coles or Target.

Cocktails, Recipes